God Loves ALL His Children
I am working on the new post…I swear….wait…Sorry LORD! I cannot swear, nor can I promise! HE says so! Let our Yes be Yes, and No, NO! (Matthew 5:37)
Yeeet, I do have a few things I really was thinking about today and some issues that stuck out. I noticed today as I was responding to a post on Facebook there were certain things that popped up. I actually copied it to my Word Software ….because I have to check my spelling guys…you know. I like being neat…and organizing my work…and according to my therapist that throws out many of the possibilities of the diagnosis of Insanity that MANY try to pin on me! (Thank YOU very MUCH! I actually visited a few of them over the last ten years…and NOT ANY of them found any of that wrong with me. Wow…that’s another subject Jesus JUST threw at me. He says, careful NIKKI!)
Yeah, Guys, I am not making any joke, here. I know mental health IS serious, really. What I DID deal with was depression…and according to all those doctors…all FOUR of them…I had it pretty severely. When you deal with what the World throws at you…God IS the only one who truly understands, Jesus IS the only one who has the Answer. You understand that ‘trust’ some of those docs try to talk to you about and those tools they teach you, well if you can use those to reach out to God….
You CAN be healed. Trust IS a key. Trusting IN God IS a topic for another post! I promised something to MY LORD until I got his main Word for the site up, so I will do so! Oh no…. I hear it. OH NO…we ARE NOT GOING THERE! Are we Lord? *CRINGE*
*sigh* Yeah…Apparently So. T….T (I do apologize for my little emoticons. I express my face and when you SPEAK to people I think how you express yourself IS important. It isn’t me TRYING to implement any ‘net speech’ THAT is of course another topic too. Don’t get me wrong…I’m not supporting ripping up the American Speech…or Changing God to fit Us….NEVER. We NEED to FIT God. HE never changes. We need to mold and remain with Him and find a way to make our new and um… ‘evolving’ CULTURE (not people…sheesh) to fit HIM. Again, topic is for another time…I can get really fired up on THAT. I used some of it, but it hasn’t taken me OVER. Like the WORLD tries to. ;P
As I was trying to say, I was feeling for what out of those messages on FB and the topics I wanted to share when a STRONG memory and ‘something’ hit me. I …yes…I typed…literally cringed. I agreed with the Lord that if I was going to be willing to work for Him and do His will, I would be WILLING to do WHAT He told me to WHEN He said, and AS He said. I remember, back a few months ago…I asked when sitting on my front porch about Healing.
I believe in The Power Of Healing. YES I capped IT. BELIEVE IT. Like my Pastor and the family at my church believe, yes I mention them a lot, they are very influential…why? These people are people I found who believe WHAT I always felt…and GAVE me the ANSWER to what I KNEW but didn’t understand.
I was asking the Lord if He would PLEASE send the Holy Spirit so that I could get OUT there and start Healing! I see people every SINGLE day, everywhere that need it and there is NOWHERE and NOONE I am NOT willing to heal in HIS name. I kept thinking…why is HE not willing to send the Spirit? What’s WRONG with ME?
It was then that I had started feeling His voice. “Nothing is ‘ Wrong with you. It just is not your Time . Yet, you will do something a little more than heal the flesh.”
And I’ll be honest, it was at THAT point, part of my problem and reason I had yet to receive the Holy Spirit, reared its Ugly Head AND I perked up. “REALLY?” I thought? MORE? Of course, there was more than just my pride that needed to be worked out before God was going to send me out to heal in His name and for HIS Glory, but, there was and IS more work to be done. I’ve understood a lot about how God grants His Holy Spirit. It’s more than just by Grace…YES…it IS free…but it’s to those Who LOVE Him. Do you know what it means to LOVE the Lord? : ) I have a passionate Heart for Him….I DO! But…I remember, when Jesus talked to me about loving Him….
John 14:15 “If you love me, you will obey what I command.”
And that is harder for some than others, yeah I have been and CAN be one of those people yet. That’s why He is still working WITH me. I figured THAT part out so far lately from HEARING Him.
I’ll give you a good example later, but first, what the Holy Spirit DID say was that sometimes, He needs people to help heal the wounds that do not heal as easily as the ones of the Flesh do. At first…I didn’t really get that. Of course I didn’t. It took a while…and the last week…late at night…actually as I am going to BED I noticed it. It seems then that He really gets to business.
And, yes, I know, He ‘searches’ the heart as we sleep, I have read that too…but it seems and I know for a fact…that the last week alone…obviously…you see this diary as a testament…that the Holy Spirit is kicking it up a notch. Why? I admit, I wasn’t really SURE about letting Him..and YES I said LETTING GOD use it for my diary, BUT…I DID agree..so, I’ll do so. *sigh and wiggles*
And actually, just as HE has done the last three nights, there comes that..Spirit. I feel it. Why feel that way? Don’t you realize EVERYONE has these feelings and why would it not help them to share it? Most are afraid to talk about some of their fears and you can help them by doing so. What is so bad that you won’t talk about?
Actually, settle down, nothing juicy. Sorry to disappoint ANYONE. It isn’t THAT sort of ‘deep’ talk. I don’t GOSSIP about myself. I’m just saying….I have felt Jesus…hitting my SPIRIT and SOUL the last few nights…really kicking those ‘demons’ OUT. I didn’t realize that would be so hard and painful…but the peace that came so quickly was …well…blessed and I have to say…it has each morning strengthened my passion and desire to dedicate MY time and Spirit TO working FOR Him.
I suppose the biggest Issue was how much I struggle with keeping my daughter and her hyper…or so I tend to see it as such, activity under control. It always drives me NUTS when I take her places and she so obviously does not MIND me…yet at school…places where I am NOT…she is…as her teachers and chaperones tell me… “The BEST behaved little girl EVER!” I kid you not, she was awarded, Best Manners in Kindergarten. Wanna see the certificate? I’m very proud of her. YES.
Her teacher tried to reassure me and tell me that, “It’s obvious you are teaching her these things because they show up IN class. She has the BEST manners of any one IN class, Nikki. Don’t WORRY.” So, that made me feel WORSE. So it’s ME? *sigh* Then came that feeling…well..she IS only SIX…yet…shouldn’t she STILL start learning how to do certain things…I mean…I remember MY grandmother and parents… it was SO frustrating. Then to top it all off…Jayda will always do exactly what a very intelligent kid, with lots of energy (which IS what she is) will do when her mother is stressing and worried about things and not paying HER attention, and YES, I get angry. I have a natural temper that flies off. I always feel bad. My father was like that, but I adored my father, OBVIOUSLY…and Jayda…who always grabs me around the waist and sighs “You’re the BEST Mom EVER! I have THE BEST MOM.”
Oh yeah LORD! RUB IT IN! That’s what I say to myself. I know I’m being a bit whiney, but I realized a lot of things. One thing is…as I listed…she IS naturally energetic because she IS SIX AND super smart! (ask her teachers!! Not just a bragging mom here.) Also, as I said, and noticed, she loves her mom a lot and loves spending time with me…and I tend to be a loner and like being on my own and I stay SUPER busy. So mix all that up? You get a kid that will…ACT OUT. She isn’t misbehaving because I’m NOT teaching her how to behave…cause GOD KNOWS I AM….(Yes, you parents know that feeling in public…EVERYONE will think I let her DO what EVER she wants…and YOU know YOU DON’T!)
So, yes, God convicts that heart and I cringe and sigh. MAKE time, He says while I was sitting in the carline. I didn’t answer that prayer you made FOR her so you could scrunch time for you AND then HER. She IS mine, you get to borrow her. I expect her back. Well, later on that night I was lying in bed after I had a FULL night of tending to Jayda…because as you can imagine…it’s not JUST the words from the Lord…it is the feelings that come FROM His Touch that I also felt. HE MEANS IT and EXPECTS it. I am slowly…more seriously understanding that Fear of the Lord saying, but I also love Him more. I realized MORE…I got it before, but I realized it again…she won’t be little and hugging ALL over me for long.
But, as after I got her to bed, I was BEAT…dog tired…I had helped my mother with some things, done clothes…finally made it the shower…and forgot about my sandwich. I tried to eat, made my post..went to bed at 1am…SLEPT at 3AM. But…as I flung myself to the bed, I tried to shove back that…I AM TIRED…darn it…I wish I coulda just came in here a bit and rested…and so much for that sandwich I made. It’s crusted up.
I muttered…out loud “I’m glad though, I can take care of Jayda, Thank You Lord. I’m sorry to be so ungrateful for her…I just miss having my Dad. I remember how it was when someone took care of me. I’m tired too. Eh…” I noticed some bad things coming up and I looked over at that beautiful picture of Jesus on my Desktop and ….Buried my face in my blanket.
Nope, couldn’t LOOK at HIM. T…T I was TOO ashamed. I actually felt like crying and did. I felt SO bad and guilty…and all of a sudden …yes…a ‘still, small voice said’ Look at that picture. Don’t cry! Look AT HIM.
I’ll admit it actually WAS A FIGHT to bring myself to lift my head to do it. I’ll say, that’s why I didn’t want to share it. <..< I did fight and even realized my hands were clinching the sheets tight enough for my knuckles to hurt. Why I thought can I not look at HIS PICTURE? It’s just a picture of Jesus on a DESKTOP COMPUTER?
“Is it?” That voice said? “Look at Him, Do it. Don’t Cry.” I finally managed to at LEAST shift my eyes up to peek for a good few seconds at the Eyes of the Jesus in the Photo. (FYI It’s the Jesus I use for my Icon for this Site. It’s a lovely PHOTO and apparently…like any GOOD Jesus Picture…It WILL do it’s JOB!)
“Good.” It said. “I remember when you were little too. I have my little ones I look after too. I put each of them to bed when its their time. It isn’t always easy, but there’s one nasty demon down and out. I want you to know I DO love you just as much and value you too. You’re MINE too.” And YEP…the tears poured. “Don’t cry.” It said. “Rest.”
Something that sorta hit me out of the blue and I just thought of it while I was sharing that…I was showing Jayda pictures today of me and her. She found one of ME when I was little. I was around 3 MAYBE 2 in it and had a cute little blue dress and was holding a rose. I have to admit…it is cute. I looked SO innocent. We compared our photos to see if she favored me. To my shock she wanted to favor me.
As I was taking my old photo back in, which was a wallet size, I turned it around and saw the name scribbled on it and realized…it was the one I had got from my Aunt Bernice. She told me, “That’s the one your Dad carried in his wallet. He carried everywhere he went.” She gave it to me on my birthday of this year. I remember THEN thinking…WOW. Even at 61…he kept THAT photo. I sort of laughed and smiled. “Is that how you saw me Daddy?” I said…and YES…that’s what I SAID! I know it sounds sappy, but I SAY THOSE things when no one IS around.
Really quickly that little small voice answered my Spirit…and I learned…The Holy Spirit can answer REALLY fast those questions you put out there… “Yes, and just like Jayda was your little baby and you gave her to ME…your daddy had His little baby and he gave YOU to ME. He made sure you were taken care of and very loved and you knew it. Do the same for Jayda and I’ll do for you what I did for Him.”
Have I ever told you HOW AWESOME my dad is? :D
Yep THAT'S MY DAD. Wish you coulda MET HIM. He's hanging out with Jesus and OUR Father NOW. :D I'll tell you more about how COOL He was later :P
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