The Best Teacher

So, I've been a BIT busy! The Lord has had a LOT for this girl to do recently, BUT with everything comes many lessons. (right?)

Jesus is the BEST teacher and I'm certainly taking NOTES. ;)

I'll share some of what I've been getting in the coming week. It's been a bit hectic around here with my daily activities. I stay pretty busy hanging around in town, being an influence for the One I Love and Serve as well as Helping at my Daughter's school.

I've had a blast hanging out there by the way...singing for Jesus is a lot of fun. It's like, I see my friends sing, but I'm just wanting to get out and move around. Standing there just isn't my style o.0 Course, I don't think none of them would MIND...but it's sort of like busting your best moves when you think no one is looking (Well except Jesus!) and then trying to move that cool in front of EVERYONE.

I've actually been working with Jesus on that issue. I've learned you don't have to be super loud, He certainly LOVES it and the Holy Spirit will fill you with the Love that can make you SHOUT Hallelujah in a way nothing else can...but my shyness can still take over at times. We're working on it. God sort of let me know He loves ME for ME and He loves the way I love Him and He doesn't want anything FORCED.

That is what made me think...well...I see a lot of people getting super excited...does it mean I love Him LESS? Does it mean I'm 'ashamed'?

Shaa...and I realized a long time ago most stuff doesn't bother me and I understood what He meant by getting super excited.

At any rate, I will have some more up this week. These are some things I was thinking about today while I was doing my morning walk. I talked to the ground's keeper at the park. I always laugh abit as they throw away a lot of my 'cards' and 'notes' I leave around. I struck a deal with their boss today to leave... SOME of them.




More on that later.

God Answers You In The…Funniest WAYS Sometimes…

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Well…I wanted to SEE Jesus…and I guess God ANSWERED ME….Sorta…Well…the way GOD answers You sometimes. I had to piece it together and when I think about How God does things softly and quietly and that often times that’s HIM talking, I understood what Jesus HAD DONE I sorta made a strange reaction because I REALIZED What God had done to Me. Once It ‘dawned’ on me (The Holy Spirit whispers…maybe Jesus pokes…I ‘get’ it….you GET IT) I sat there and blinked and OPENED the book, Heaven Is For Real, by Todd Burpo. If you have NOT read this book about his little boy Colton dying and going to Heaven…YOU SHOULD. You’ll read aaaaallll about his tour of Heaven WITH Jesus. I’m not spoiling ANY of it. I will say THIS…

He talked a LOT about what Jesus LOOKED like…very detailed…VERY…VERY. Me being ME…I read and REREAD it trying to see it in my mind. I also read the section about God’s Throne room. I caught a lot of things there that piqued my heart a bit. :P Still…before I had actually read the book, I flipped through it and found a little section in the middle with black and white pictures, one of them being a LOVELY oil painting of Jesus. Part of me said…well…this kid saw Jesus…maybe he picked one out that looked the most like Him. So…I looked at it, smiled a little smile and said, “Heeey Jesus.”

It wasn’t until I FINISHED the book I found out how cool and special that picture WAS and that I was like WOW. JESUS!? I had closed the book and just sat there. You’ll have to read the book for the whole story, but to sum it up…

Todd Burpo, Colton’s dad was watching about a girl in Russia who had been to Heaven too and when she came back…at four…had turned into a artistic PRODIGY. (She PAINTED the picture…you see and realize this…you go OMG for REAL O…M…G and mean IT. :P) It said that she began having visions and she would just start painting.

One thing they joke about in the book was how Colton’s parents played a game for years after Colton’s Visit to Heaven… of every time they saw pictures of Jesus of asking Colton if THAT one looked like Jesus. He would always point out what was wrong with them. So, Todd called his son over to show him the painting. He said Colton came running into his study and when he saw the portrait just FROZE, SPEECHLESS. Know what Colton said?

“That one is right Dad.”

SO… as I held my book thinking about HOW long I have been wanting to SEE Jesus and been asking Him. I can’t REALLY put it all down on my Journal, but HE knows about it. It’s a little ‘joke’ between us and last week, I felt like I had gotten something from Him about it. Hard to explain…well THIS answered what I couldn’t put into words.

I know this…as I sat there my reactions went from a range of something like this…and sorry to use emoticons…but I was SPEECHLESS for a minute…which can be RARE at times…but I had to admit it… HE GOT ME.

o…o Jesus? Did you do what I think you DID?

You DID didn’t YOU?

-_- I wanted to SEEEEEE Y…O….U….but….it’ll DO. :P I LOVE YOU Jesus…Thank You. ;)

<…< I looked over at the book and I thought about putting it on my desktop…which I DID. Now at night when I’m going to sleep or just listening to my BIBLE on audio…I get to SEE Jesus :P Cool huh?

Aaaand it didn’t stop THERE. I put it on my FB ICON….and my PSP….on Jayda’s computer background…well…actually…When I went looking for that portrait…I found she did TWO of HIM. The other is of Him praying. It’s SWEEET. : )

And there was yet another neat little show that I got tonight…and I’m still wondering about it. You can decide. In the book…in the chapter, God’s Throne Room…when the dad asked Colton about God…Colton described the Holy Spirit as… Sorta Blue. I paused on that really quick. My father’s favorite color had always been blue and in the past several months I had adopted it for that reason and also something told me it was also tied TO GOD. *shrug*

So, yesterday and today I tried picturing the Holy Spirit and BLUE. Yesterday while I was IN the car…I got to thinking about it while I was on the way to Chick Fil A with Jayda in the back seat. We were listening to one of our favorite songs on KLOVE and while I was thinking about what sorta BLUE shade the Holy Spirit MIGHT be…Jayda perks up…(and I’m NOT making this UP… I SWEAR it.) I was ACTUALLY irritated…because it broke me out of my …contemplating…but at the same time…it was good because part of me wanted to TALK to Jayda about the topic, but I was afraid it might be TOO much “God Stuff” for her.

I wish I could remember exactly what she said…but it was blurred out because our radio was loud…but I caught what …I think GOD wanted me to HEAR…cause…I’ve learned…God makes SURE you HEAR HIM when He wants you TO. ;P

“Mamma, do you know why the sky is SOOO blue?” I did catch that part of it. I turned back and shrugged lowering the music. “Because God LOVES blue! I’m GLAD the sky is blue!! Aren’t YOU?” She was just SO ENTHUSASTIC about this! I can’t tell you how enthusiastic she was about it. I had to laugh and as shocking as it was to realize…we had JUST been BOTH on that same subject…just maybe in different ways…apparently GOD was listening and put in HIS comment on the subject.

God does listen and He does respond IF you listen. I have heard many a pastor SAY this. In fact, I remember my old Pastor Kevin Brown say it and I was back there nodding vigorously, YES…HE DOES. I never can understand WHY no one WILL LISTEN for and TO GOD. God is SO COOL. Yet…there was one more thing I got about the “Blue Holy Spirit” and after I saw it…I sat there thinking… “God…did YOU do that…or am I just…thinking that…” yet…a part of me thought… GOD…YOU ARE DOING THIS….but WHY???? O………..o;;;;;;;;;;

I was flipping through things I wanted to and saw something about Prophets of Israel. It was talking about raving bands of prophets would get together and go prophesying…calling them, Whirling Dervishes. I ACTUALLY know that term…not from any Biblical History…just from my OLD days as a Warrior on Dungeon And Dragons. (I’ll discuss that too one day. I realize, God made me a Fighter :P)

But, while it was talking about it, it flashed what apparently was SOMEONE’s depiction of God, or the ‘Spirit’, it was an old painting. I have this STRANGE quirk, I have to add real quick. I usually…. (Don’t LAUGH either)…whenever a ‘painting’ or drawing of ‘God’ or ‘Yahweh’ is shown…I ‘look’ away. T…T I don’t know WHY. Partly because of that COMMANDMENT….but mainly because…aside from US and JESUS…well…except for MOSES…and maybe Isaiah…(and whoever else I’ve missed and whoever else hasn’t SAID SO.) NO one knows EXACTLY what God LOOKS EXACTLY Like. Well, Except for Colton :)

Yet…before I had the chance to <..< ‘turn my eyes’ I looked and stared HARD at that picture. I WISH I could find it somewhere because my eyes immediately went something like THIS AGAIN:

0__________________0 WHAT? The painting had a BEAUTIFUL man, that favored SOME of the pictures of people trying to paint God, but, with the long flowing white hair and His eyes closed in LOVE…hard to explain THAT…if you know what someone’s eyes are like when they are SO in LOVE and IN THAT MOMENT…well You’d GET IT…. Aside from that….the SKIN of the ‘person’ was… YOU GUESSED IT.

BLUE

:P

I did another

<…<

>…>

I was laying on my bed and had my laptop with my newly added desktop JESUS on it. I glanced over to it and then did another:

<…<;;;;;

;;;;;;;>..> and slid my head under the sheets and said Um….REALLY? WHY? OKAY I SEE YOU OKAY! THANK YOU, but WHY!?

Of course with God, the question could simply be, because you asked, but it does talk about seeing the face of God and to those who READ it, they know WHAT it says. :P You’ll have to go FIND it yourself. I’m too busy thinking of THAT picture. XD

IF I could FIND it online…I would probably post it…but I dunno. <..<; I sorta felt like it was a present. I guess IF you want to SEE it…you’ll have to FIND it too. :P Just the ‘feeling’ I get. Then again…LIKE I said, you can decide if you are following my trail of thinking. Was it a ‘present from Jesus or not? Who knows…but the more I think of the Lord…the more I am inclined to say YES on my part. The only thing I keep saying to MYSELF IS ….WHY?? I’m NO ONE for Him to do THAT. Yet, to God we are not NOBODIES and I know that…yet for ME I have a HARD time dealing with THAT.

After reading Todd Burpo’s book (GO GET THAT BOOK PEOPLE! Jesus doesn’t DO these things everyday and NOT for nothing. Go see about Jesus’ Rainbow Horse <..< GO!) BTW I felt sorta bad when I read about that in the book. I felt like SUCH The spoiled brat kid that is ALWAYS in a group. First it talked about Jesus being the only one in Heaven to have a purple Sash and then Colton mentioned that Jesus had a Rainbow Horse that Jesus let him pet.

My heart SKIPPED a beat. I went @......@ Rainbow…..HORSE! (Don’t forget about the cloud cows JESUS and the gold mud puddles, ukay? :P) Anyhow, After THAT skittlebit sank in….I did one of these…

<..<;;;; I want a Rainbow HORSE! And…why can’t I WEAR PURPLE! I like PURPLE TOO! Of course, as the adult…and LOVING Jesus LIKE I DO…I understand WHY He wears it and I honestly don’t CARE, but that little seed was IN THERE and I understand it may be part of WHY we are here, but still, it bothered me. I quickly apologized to Jesus…realizing…Jesus would probably GIVE you a herd of Rainbow Horses and He doesn’t CARE about the color of the SASH really. HE cares about YOU and your joy. Which of course made my heart SKIP its beat and then go PLOP. (Of course, when Jesus hangs around, it don’t stay Plopped for LONG, He pumps it RIGHT BACK UP…so I have found :P God don’t let you BEAT yerself up long.)

What I can tell you as my ‘Journey with Jesus’ goes a long day by day…(for me second by second and I’m NOT COUNTING) is that, Jesus just HAS THE MAGIC…literally and I love him MORE and MORE every SECOND…NANOSECOND actually and sometimes I have a hard time pulling Him apart from God, Jesus, and The Holy Spirit…and of course they are the Same…yet I feel God likes you to focus on Jesus…and JESUS honors the FATHER. @....@ I am able to DO it…but telling people and stuff gets a little hard for me sometimes.

It’s why I have this little joke I made up while I was visiting “Jesus and His Dad” (You too Holy Spirit :P) one morning for our ‘Breakfast’. I was putting in a CD…whistling a tune, singing under my breath, bustling around where the women sing on Sunday, TRYING not to knock ANYTHING over…GOD forbid I break ANYTHING. I try SO hard not to TOUCH anything, especially the keyboard. I think a WHOLE lot of our Pastor’s wife and I try really HARD to be careful around her keyboard and EVEN her stool. So, I was trying to find a nice place for the player where it would NOT damage any of their nice equipment, yet have God some music while we ate. I LOVE music…but IF you love GOD…you KNOW HE is ALL about MUSIC too.

Anyway, I had just popped in a CD and was shuffling back across to my usual spot in the sanctuary. And…yes I do EAT in there, but I keep it clean. While I KNOW God is IN our Hearts and you SHOULDN’T EAT in a sanctuary…I felt the Holy Spirit urge me in…and I wish I could TELL you that…but I can’t…I JUST CAN’T. I TRIED to stay in their break room…but It’s as good as eating with a rope around your waist and someone PULLING YOU with a CHAIN yanking, yelling from the other room, “NIIIIKKKIII, COME ON!” *sigh*

So, as I passed by my Pastor’s podium which has an AWESOME little flag depicting the ‘Lion of Judah’ in front of it. I always walk behind it because, (and again, this goes back to me using my ‘imagination’ and I dunno if this may OFFEND some people, but I really DON’T CARE. <..<; You spend YOUR time with God the way YOU want to…I will spend MY time with Him how I want. God is Spirit and sometimes in order to get INTO the Spirit…people have to do what they have to :P)

But, as I was saying, I always walk behind it and as I did, I glanced up at the wall of the church, but I never really ‘see’ the wall, in my MIND, I see God on His throne. I always ‘talk’ to God as I’m walking by, but this time I stopped and pointed at a big purple flag with Jesus’ face on it that stands off to the left where I usually eat. I said, “God, can you do me a favor? Do me ONE blessing? Please? Tell Jesus someone loves Him.”

NOW…this is where my strange sense of humor gets …lost in translation. It wasn’t JUST that God will tell Jesus that…it’s that…I remember hearing that God ONLY hears what you say through the mouth of Jesus Christ. :P So…well…if you need me to explain the REST of it… <…< Anyway.

After I said that and was about to sit on down to eat, I just plain out (and I’m SURE this is where most people would see me and just go, ‘YEP, this woman is RAVING MAD’, but, like I say…or as God is teaching me to think… I DON’T CARE what anyone THINKS :P), I just plain out started to laugh because this bubbling laughter just raised up out of my belly and took me over…and you know what…it FELT GOOD. I got back up and looked up at that purple flag and just hugged it….YES I HUGGED THE FLAG! HUGGED IT GOOD. (I even gave it a little kiss. I LOVE my Brother Jesus :P Anyone that can make you laugh like that deserves Love!)

After I shook that off, I stood there for a second thinking about that, looking BACK at ‘God’ and smiling. I said, “So, Jesus ‘got’ His message, did He?” I’m sure anyone reading this…may be getting a peek into how my …um…day must go when NO one is around. Yeah, I sorta DO have conversations like this all the time, but…hey…I know when to get quiet. I peek over my shoulder to see who is COMING! ;) I’m NOT crazy, just hanging with Jesus and His Dad. (You TOO Holy Spirit, NO ONE Is leaving YOU OUT!)

As I stood there, I looked back to Jesus and I said, Jesus, Has anyone told your Father lately that I love HIM? I really LOVE your Dad…He’s pretty awesome. You know especially after some of the things He did this week with Jayda and some of my friends…(I rattled off a few things, ect.) If you could answer this prayer for me, I would really appreciate it. “Father, who art in Heaven…hallowed BE Thy Name, Yahweh…I have NO way to explain the fire IN my heart…because YOU know I LOVE Jesus…but I hope to find a way to tell you how much I LOVE the Father someday! Amen!”

So…I stood there…and I thought about it. Of course, the more I’ve come to know The Lord there’s a LOT of ways I am finding to show God I love Him. ONE Is to be a servant for Jesus and those around me…that is MY NUMBER ONE PRIORITY…SERVE….SEEEERVE SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERVE! And I AM LOVING IT! Never EVER thought I’d love working so much, but…I am loving it!

But, I stood there and thought about giving another flag in the room a hug…one that is to represent God himself…but as I started to walk towards it… ‘something’ hit me. I spun RIGHT around and went back to hug the flag with Jesus on it. I thought…well The Father DOES Love HIS SON. God would probably want me to GIVE my hugs to Jesus….right? I laughed and sat to eat my food.

As I ate, I started ‘chatting’ with the ‘Holy Spirit’. I said… “I’m not sure how to tell YOU I love you other than just keep working with Jesus. I know you are all…like GOD…but…you know.” As I was eating…I began to think about people and I started talking to Jesus about them and I realized, God does want you to really GIVE that Jesus to people and I understood that IS one way to show love for God…LOVE HIS PEOPLE with JESUS. Still….there was a BIG part of me that just wanted to climb up in God’s lap and HUG HIM. SOOO BADLY. As I kept eating my biscuit I would occasionally glance at the flag that was for God and flick a glance to “God’s Throne” and smile saying, “You know I love you, right? It’s pretty much what I do all day…tell you I love you and tell people. You got what you wanted…right?”

When I got ready to leave, I cleaned up and I felt a question rise up. “Can I get a song?” I did one of my:

o…0 Did God ask me for a song??? You want…ME to sing YOU a song??? You KNOW I don’t SING anymore…I can’t SING anymore. I quit. My voice…(and I want to say a word I try NOT to say but rhyme it with bucks) STINKS! I smoked for years…I don’t sing…that much…which I DO…but…I was REALLY nervous to SING in FRONT of GOD….at THAT TIME…because …again…I cannot EXPLAIN it…but:

Even though I heard NO voice, no sound, no LOUD thoughts….something asked me to sing. I kinda walked around where the microphones were trying to see what THEY had on their stands. “Okay…so what do YOU want me to sing, Lord?” I asked finally…still not SURE if I would…but realizing the fact that I pretty much felt GOD asked me to…ENDED the debate and that I WOULD find a way to SING it before I left.

I stood there trying to think and I suddenly remembered and started thinking about the song the Pastors daughter sang at my old church. I can NEVER remember what it is called exactly…but her rendition of it is GORGEOUS and I played it IN my car on REPEAT for DAYS. I remember going to the assistant Pastor who was over their Praise team and asking him about it. He had to make me a copy…he actually ended up making me a WHOLE collection of ALL their songs.

(Pretty sweet HUH? NATURALLY God gives you the WHOLE THING! ;P Catch that guys? See God there :P I’m learning to too!....wow…I wish I could just tell you all what just happened when I tried to hit that bracket key. JUST like THAT…God drops little surprises. That will BE a little secret. I want to tell you, but sometimes I figure some people MAY not believe all the things I say. It is SOOOO frustrating. I can always tell when people are ‘believing’ me or not. What JUST happened as I was typing that line made ME jump and then laugh and smile. God…you’re FUNNY :P and yes, you ‘are there’ I see you. O…o LOL Now, let me hit that key? ) THERE! Thank you :P <3 Of course, turning on my audio Bible is sorta nice to listen to while I’m writing….Good Idea Lord. Sure I DID end up telling you…but guess what it said when it came on… ‘you were there’ over and over… it repeated that in the scripture, “Yahweh….you were there”

Some of ya’ll are probably like …HUH? Is she nuts? :P Keep calling me nuts. XD God just turned on my audio Bible by ACCIDENT while I’m sitting here typing in the dark and answered something I was thinking. XD Think I care if people ‘think’ I’m crazy? ;) God’s here I don’t care if anyone thinks it’s REAL or not…but I reallllly want you to. God is SOOOOO awesome. (Which reminds me, IF I can remember, I’ll tell you what happened TO MY audio Bible o..0 I’m still scratching my head OVER this. When God does something to IT….which I’m NOT complaining…just still figuring it out and saying THANKS.)

ANYWAY where was I? Oh yeah…the song. I wanted to sing that song from my old church’s Praise Team. I really want to tell you who it is and such…but sometimes, I feel like the way I’m telling my stuff may be TOO much or weird for some people and shoot….who knows who wants to be TIED to me? I leave names out JUST in case. :P It’s funny that way to me….but ANYWAY again.

It had been a LONG time since I had played that CD mainly because I had let Jayda use it and…if you have five and six year olds…you know things…GET LOST…and sometimes they STAY gone. As far as I knew…sadly…that CD was GONE. When I say I had ‘not seen’ it…I mean…I figured it was GONE. I remembered WHERE I had ‘sorta’ seen it, but I assumed it was where I had seen it ‘before’ “JAYDA”.

SO…I SIGHED and sorta walked around the sanctuary and tried to think about something ELSE to sing, but I still ‘wanted’ THAT song, but I couldn’t remember the WORDS exactly. I even talked to ‘Jesus’ about it out loud and LORD save me if my church HAS a camera. I KNOW they are probably bound to think I’m OUT of my mind by now…well…I’d say that…but they are SO WITH God…I know they understand :P (Well, at least I HOPE so!)

I thought about the girls who sing and I walked around and looked at the books, the WHOLE time saying, Okay, Lord, not GOING Through their BOOKS, just looking for that ‘song’, YOU know what I mean, Lord. I have a weird thing about going through people’s things. When I was eight years old…I got BUSTED for stealing. YEP…BUSTED HARD…and since then, I’m VERY conscious about even LOOKING like I’m going through anyone’s ANYTHING, even though I knew God KNEW what I was doing, I still have that ‘scar’. (See how SIN messes YOU up? :P)

I was trying to FIND the song sheet and scanning through the song titles I found a list of the songs they had and I said…Well…Lord…THEY don’t have it. They should…I can’t BELIEVE they don’t HAVE this song. I KNOW I heard them SING IT. I stood there sorta….drumming my fist on my leg and thinking and I hummed I saw a box were they kept the songs. As I was looking through it I looked into a folder with another letter instead of the letter the song title would be in. I sighed…and then did one of my usual…

ARRRRRRRRGGGG….It would have HELPED if someone TOLD ME THAT! How many times do I say this… It’s hard to explain? Well…one of THOSE TIMES….when I feel HIM telling me things, well that happened…I realized the song was NOT named what I was looking for…it was named something else and it would be in that OTHER letter I had looked at. I was like THANK YOU LORD….and I looked IN it…but did not FIND IT. I sighed and groaned.

“Well, LORD…I can’t sing it…as badly as I would like to do it for you. I don’t have the CD, they don’t have the sheet music…what can I do?” I got a very quick little thought…you know that one we all call our conscious?

It said, “Why not go check your car where you keep your CDs?”

I hate I can be SO negative sometimes. I have had two people tell me this. A coach from my old church and than a very, VERY special anointed lady who helps me sometimes at my new church have actually told me the SAME thing twice. I throw out a negative when they throw out a positive. I have been working on that. I actually had it happen the other day…and I wish I could tell you that little thought conversation between Jesus and I >..> about the “Sun getting in my eyes when I drive” but…you WOULD think I was crazy if I told you how fast that chat went and that as always Jesus won that talk and He constantly came back with a POSITIVE no matter WHAT I said…well until I said…YOU WIN! He replied YES! I LOVE YOU! Anyway…sorry to share that, yes I’m crazy…crazy for Jesus and HE KNOWS IT. :P

SO…the NEGATIVE I said was, “That CD is NOT out there. I’ve not seen it in FOREVER. The last time I saw it…I saw it in that wicker basket. Jayda had it and only God KNOWS where that CD IS.” (I swear, NO PUN intended…but you know it’s amazing WHAT YOU say sometimes, but THAT is what I SAID. >.>)

“If your faith can move mountains, it will move that CD from that basket into your car. Go out and get your CD and SING THAT SONG!” I feel bad to say I followed that reply with This:

-_____-

I replied, “I have FAITH…but do you know HOW many times I have had faith and NOTHING Happened and then it’s like my little heart BREAKS! It’s getting hard you KNOW! I keep believing…but I’m SO tired!” There’s NOTHING that would take my heart from Jesus guys…but a part of me did NOT want to go out there and that CD not be out there after I felt something telling me to go and GET that CD because of MY FAITH that GOD would HAVE it OUT THERE.

I actually went back to my biscuit and ate a few minutes…avoiding my task…hoping I could ‘get out of it’…yet I could NOT. I also have another little ‘joke’ with the Lord about ‘hiding’ from Him. “There IS no hiding from God.” I always bring up the bit with Adam and Eve in the bushes I actually muttered that jokingly when I slid under the covers after seeing that GORGEOUS flash of the ‘Holy Spirit’s’ face on my Television. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL by the WAAAAY.

<..< sorry (thank you Lord)

>..>

So, I sat there, chewing, ignoring EVERYTHING, and I think this is part of what Jesus has been working with me, rather working OUT of me and He and I have come to a LOT of understandings and like I said He has shown me a LOT. It’s helped me to see people with a LOT of compassion and understanding. It helps you to realize WHY God says not to Judge others and it is ONE of my things I am working on harder and harder as well as loving more in EVERYWAY. Even the smallest ways. :)

But…as I ate… every so often I’d think “That CD. Is it out there? What IF it isn’t? I guess I could just try to sing it anyway. God would love it anyway…God just loves you SINGING to Him and Praising HIM. That’s what He wants. IS that CD OUT TEHRE?”

“You KNOW it IS. Go GET IT.”

I GROANED really loud and actually growled a bit… shockingly looking around thinking WHAT THE HECK…and apologized to the “Lion Flag’ for my ‘tude’ and slowly…then quickly skeedaddled outside. I wasn’t as fast to my car, but aaaall the way to it I was talking to Jesus.

“Please, Lord, Jesus…You said that CD is out there. God wants that song and that CD has GOT to be IN there. I guess it will have to be in that middle thingy if it is…PLEASE JESUS put that CD IN THERE. I know God COULD put it there if He wanted to.” I sorta shrugged and took a BIG breath and opened the door. I WANTED to sort around the other parts of the car where we keep CD’s but…I just grrrr’ed again and slapped that middle console open.

To my (um…I don’t know why it bothered me at the time, yet DAZZLED ME at the same time, but oddly it DID) surprise and SHOCK not only DID I find the CD….because the CD is white, the sun hit it JUST the right way so that it showed up IMMEDIATELY when I opened that lid. I didn’t even have to DIG for it. NOW, if anyone needs to read my entries….IF you have faith…I think it’s pretty clear God shows a lot of cool things to me…and WHY HE does…I STILL don’t know….all I know is I figured I should start sharing it…I just hope people can appreciate it the way I finally did.

Yet, there is a part of me that feels there are many who do not believe….like I DIDN’T and before I got out there…FELT like that CD would NOT be out there…but let me TELL YOU…when I saw that part of that WHITE CD…because it is the ONLY CD that looks like it does….I KNEW it was the ONE and I FELT something that SHOT through me like a surge…and to those who KNOW JESUS and FEEL HIM…you KNOW WHAT I FELT. It’s what allows me to write all these amazing things and feel a few things…and it’s strange…

One thing is, I really DON’T mind if people judge me for these outrageous things I share…yet…there is a RIPPING, tearing, YELLING part of me that soooooo badly wants people to believe it….but, I understand, only the Holy Spirit (WHO apparently is sorta BLUE! XD <…<;;;; NO, Lord, I’m NOT…no not really…well, sorta, but you know ME and how I mean it…YOU know my HEART. Sorry guys, something between God and I, just ignore it. Keep reading… :P)

SOOO….I TOOK that SWEET CD Jesus GAVE ME (well JESUS AND His Father, AND the Holy Spirit :p) gave me and went back inside saying THANK YOU Jesus as I opened the church door. “Okaaaaay, it was out there. That was pretty cool, Jesus. I even looked up to the ‘throne’ as I closed the CD player and smiled, saying ‘thank you, that was really nice. I appreciated that.’

The strange thing was, as I put the headphones on, which I do because I suddenly got a case of the nervousness nellies…which IS NOT usual for me. Normally, in my car I will sing to my CD and I will imagine Jesus is RIGHT next to me, so the fact I was singing to Jesus and the Father didn’t bother me…well….not MUCH…something was different.

I started to feel like my singing was BAD…and all sorts of other insulting things and a FLASH came though… “KEEP SINGING! SING! Do NOT stop SINGING!!!”

I did another of my <…<;; >..> and I made a choice of no matter Who or ‘what’ tried to make ME feel like WHAT I would SING for MY FATHER cause HE LOVED ME and MY SONG. So I sang and loved DOING IT FOR HIM. I felt pretty good about it and enjoyed the experience. That spiritual warfare thing I’ve talked about…that comes up to me at the STRANGEST Times…I didn’t expect that junk to pop up when I was surrounded by ‘love’ in a ‘church’ getting ready to stand in front of ‘God’s Throne’ and sing Him a song….but Grrr it did and well…THANK GOD I was surrounded by a LOT of support. :P

I’d really like to share that song, I have the CD, but since it was the Pastor’s Daughter’s ‘rendition’ of the song…she actually redid it and rewrote it and sang it…I CAN’T upload it…I WANT TO…but I can’t ;P IF you run into me, ask me though, I’ll share it. IT IS BEAUTIFUL and I think the LORD enjoyed it….I’ma say He did. Just ask the people at my church. This last Sunday we had special guest that SURE knew how to share some music and boy did they get the place rocking! :P I too want people to get the idea God loves jamming!

Oh YEAH…that was cool too. We had surprise visitors to our church too. I’ll tell you about THAT in another post. They talked to us about giving First Fruits to the Lord each month…which I’m TOTALLY FOR and it provoked our pastor into starting us into using the SMH in posts. What? What? XD

The ladies sang a COOL song, Shake My Head and Laugh. It talks about the King is in the Field…and then about how Jesus is on his Throne and shaking His head and laughing at the Enemy. It is a COOOL song. Jayda was TOTALLY into it…course she was already shaking her head and laughing before that song came on. ;) Jesus has been working with Jayda for a while now, so she had the memo beforehand I suppose. I kept looking at her and fussing, “Jayda, put your HAIR up if you are going to shake your head.” OF course, when they started doing THAT song, ‘something’ came over me and said, “Make sense NOW?” I shook MY head and said, “YEAH…IT does….”

Jayda mostly enjoyed the Trumpets and that…horn ‘thingy’ I’m still trying to remember what it was called. IT was MY favorite because they called it ‘The Voice of The Lord.’ It Is NEXT on my LIST of things I want to experience from God.

I guess what really hit me about ‘seeing’ that picture of the ‘blue picture of God’ was before they flashed that LOVELY picture it was talking about Moses and who he was and all. It really got to talking about how God made the POINT of Moses being MORE than just a prophet because He was the ONLY one who talked to HIM FACE TO FACE.

I sat there sorta chewing on my lip and feeling badly for the way I felt about that. I of course have a LOT of love and honoring respect for everyone in the Bible…not just because they are ‘IN the Bible’ and a part of our History, but…because they helped bring God’s Word to us…yet I was thinking… Man…I can’t wait to see God…I know Moses was special. I started going over all the things I knew about Moses and thinking ABOUT what I KNEW about Moses. YES….I was TRYING to mull over WHAT it WAS about Moses…yet a part of me KNEW whatever IT was…only GOD knew it…yet I was going OVER IT…feeling badly for DOING THAT.

What I also got so annoyed with was how they kept talking about the prophets and …as I think…kept saying STUPID stuff. They were calling them ODD (and the ones talking were BIBLICAL Scholars and Jewish scholars…I still don’t get why they call them ODD) and they couldn’t explain WHY they acted like they did, so they said and ‘what came over them’ and WHY they chose to do what they did.

One of the people said something like, “No one KNOWS WHAT makes a person become a Prophet.” I was like…. “DUH!” Then they said, “No one understands why they are willing to sacrifice their lives, families..ect, you get it” Again…I was like DUUUUH Are you guys REALLY Biblical SCHOLARS??

These people were spending twenty minutes trying to figure OUT WHY Prophets WERE prophets and why they spent SOOO much time ‘prophesying’. @....@ Seriously?? Are THEY doing their HOMEWORK? For one thing… GOD makes them the Prophet. That’s ONE reason and it can be the ONLY reason anyone needs. Yet…the one thing that kept me tugged at the question and I have to admit…looking longingly at them was that… They do it because they ‘Get to hear God and they LOVE GOD and their PEOPLE’. What part of this doesn’t ANYONE understand? O.o

It reminded me of a few things…one thing I got from THAT program…and then one thing I got from this morning…it was something that has been slowly making sense to me this month.

It talked about how God came and got Elijah after he totally GOT the Baal priests and Ahab’s wife JEZEBEL came AFTER Elijah. Well, Elijah had to go out on the run and he pleaded with God to help him. This Jezebel, by the way…that word sound familiar? Yeah…she was a Phoenician princess who had a TOTALLY different ‘religion’ than her husband, the Jewish King. She hated …HATED the Jewish Prophets…and well…after Elijah and Yahweh made a TOTAL fool out of her um…I don’t wanna even call them you-know-whats cause they AINT…well Jezebel was MAAAAD. To say the least and she wanted to not just kill Elijah…she wanted to KEEEEEEEEL Him.

Well, Elijah first got a BIG wind, but God wasn’t there…then the EARTH split apart…God wasn’t there….and THEN….there was FIRE. Then…there was a gentle whisper. I’m not going to quote the scripture exactly right now, I’ll grab it sometime later, but basically, God told Elijah…you are looking for me in all these big miracles, Wind, Earthquakes, and FIRES…but I communicate through gentle, soft voices. Basically, touching peoples’ hearts…and that’s what you’re going to do and THEN a fiery chariot comes down and SWOOPS Elijah up and takes Him UP to Heaven. COOL HUH? But… It made me STOP and go back to that day I sat out on the front step and I talked about wanting to heal SOOOO BADLY….

What I heard was something like …and I think I posted it on my last post…maybe, I know I wrote it out. There was a post I INTENDED to post…but cleared out. <…< I do that a lot >…> But…what happened was…just in case…

I sat outside and was talking to Jesus about wanting to HEAL so badly. I believed in the power of healing, I KNOW it can be done…but I told Him…and GOD…(again YES I know they are the SAME) that I can do NONE OF THAT without the Baptism of the Holy Spirit ad that either that had not happened or I wasn’t doing SOMETHING right. What I got was…

“Oh, you will heal, don’t worry. BUT…what your ‘specialty’ will be to heal the wounds that go deeper than the flesh. Those wounds do not heal so easily.” I listened and at first I just sorta looked around my yard…a bit okay with it and then I had the feeling like….you know…

A kid with a GREAT BIG shiny sword that could shoot fire and was ready to go out and fight and was just told, hey, you get to sit and watch and CHEER! Something LIKE that. I would tell you the rest of that conversation, but it was mostly my heart pumping me UP for that and me dealing with it and slapping my bratty pride and realizing that God was so much BETTER than I was worth and that GOD loved me and my BRATTY self and I should get OVER IT. I felt really crumby in that moment, but after I stood up and looked around, I started to feel differently.

I started to think back to some of the struggles that I had went through and realized…yeah…I can see where He’s going with this….but HOW…am I going to get THOSE people to LISTEN to…ME? I can’t hardly get ANYONE to listen to me…much less… take me seriously. Is this some sort of JOKE…?

Well, I’m still figuring out what it IS Jesus wants me to DO exactly because I’ve realized we EACH have our blessings from the Holy Spirit and Jesus DEFINITELY wants you to USE it to the FULLEST which I TOTALLY intend to DO. <3 I love ya JESUS. :P Which leads me to the other thing I have sorta been getting lately…. I remember reading what Jesus SAID ‘about loving Him’. IF you Love Jesus, you do what HE SAYS. I remember a LONG time ago…before I suddenly got so TAKEN OVER (which really sorta SNUCK UP ON ME…Jesus did you do a ‘Drive By ON ME or something? <..<;;; I DIDN’T SEEEEEEEEEE You! XDDDD DARN YOU!!! Um…Praise YOU! :P <3 ) by this Jesus Lovin…I saw that and I was like:

<..<;;;; Well, I love you….and I’m WORKING on that stuff…but…I …do luv ya Jesus. Anyway…I love ya Jesus. What I’ve gotten is as far as following God’s laws is, I am understanding the difference between Religion and relationship and WHY it is so important to God…well…I mean…at least what I AM getting anyways…usually while I’m driving I look around and I sorta think about this.

THINK about this people…IF you TOTALLY LOVE someone…I mean LOOOOOOOOOVE someone don’t you TRY and WANT to make them happy and do what they want? Think about your kids. I thought about my daughter and then my dad…even my favorite pets! I remembered like with my dad how I woulda done ANYTHING for my dad…and DID. Or…with Jayda…how there isn’t ANYTHING I wouldn’t do…even THOUGH she makes ME mad…I’ve gotten to where…I don’t totally want to BEAT her butt…unless I think she needs to REMEMBER it so it doesn’t KILL her next time. I give her a good stern talk and try to explain and teach her about it. I got OUT of my way to show my pets there’s NOTHING I am not willing to DO to make them happy…and NO I’m NOT talking about putting SHIRTS on them and booties. Not that I’m saying ANYTHING to people who DO. Your life your thing…I’m just listening to Ceasar Milan… Dogs like to feel like DOGS and there IS a way to SPOIL a dog and TREAT it like a DOG. :P

So, yeah, I’ve really thought about this, like this morning, it came at me again as I was driving up the road how that really makes sense….being SO in LOVE with someone that just following their rules is NATURAL and that when you ‘mess up’ that person number ONE forgives you and works WITH you to fix it and KNOWS you well enough to KNOW you aren’t trying to HURT them on PURPOSE and that you are going to TRY to do better…ect ect…just look into your HEARTS and you’ll know what I’m saying….or DO YOU? :P What do you think Lord? Apparently God thinks LOVE is a good answer :P Truth is good, Love is good and following HIS law is gotta work. Some HOW you work them all together. LOVE IS power…..SO they say…. So, Who’s this THEY ANYWAY?

I know! The Father, The Son, AND The HOLY SPIRIT! ;)

BY THE WAY…you didn’t THINK I wouldn’t share that Portrait of JESUS did you? Well, the beautiful talented young lady who painted this is, as a I said, a Russian girl named, Akiane Kramarik and you wanna know talent? Well, God can certainly GIVE it to you. Go check HER out. I’ma add HER photo too…just so you can SEE how young this girl IS… Jesus uses the KIDS…why don’t YOU? :P It’s why I LOOVES kids and…well…I dunno if there IS much of an excuse for my acting LIKE a such a kid…but I try to say it’s cause Jesus LOVES ME! :P Here they are and a few links to the materials I referred to in my post.

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She entitled this one, "Prince of Peace" BEAUTIFULLY done Akiane!! :P

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This one is entitled, "Father Forgive Them" and I really love what she did with this portait of Jesus. I put it in my daughter's room. Jayda LOVES it...you know she LOVES Jesus as much as her mamma. I hear her in there 'talking' with Jesus as she goes to sleep at night. :)

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Obviously, she's a bit older than when sh painted that BEAUTIFUL portrait, but STILL very, VERY talented. Go visit her with a click.

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AND this is Mr. Colton Burpo. If you would like, which I HIHGLY Suggest, go visit the site for His Father, Todd Burpo's book, Heaven is for Real and check out Colton's visit to Heaven and how HE MET Jesus. :P

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Jesus IS WORKING GUYS! We SHOULD BE TOO. If He's bringing Kids to Heaven to get us prepared, what SHOULD we be doing? It's one of the things that gotten me to stop worrying about my ...OVERexcited PASSION about Jesus. It's been growing for over a year now and I think it's time I just LET IT GO...like I've been TOLD to.

BY The way…

JESUS LOVES YOU! :P



OH!...and BY BY THE WAY…do me a favor Guys!!!!!!!!

Have The Father tell Jesus SOMEONE LOVES HIM. <3 :P (You KNOW YOU love HIM! If you don’t YOU WILL!)

God's humor and YOUR humor

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What God Finds Funny and WHAT YOU FIND Funny can be two totally different things.

WELL, it’s been a LONG week and I DO believe Jesus has made progress. I also realize HE IS using MY …OUR Journal for more than just MY reaching out to Others. ;) Naturally. It took me a good week to get to this post, but it was worth it for HIM and I’m happy for Jesus that I did…because somewhere around Thursday night somewhere deep in the Audio book of HEBREW…Jesus’ light got through to a stubborn little HEART that loves Him A LOT.

It’s why I realize He’s using ANYTHING He does for EVEYRONE, which is okay with ME…because I’m okay with showing you HOW AWESOME Jesus IS. :P Even if my um…sorry Jesus…babbling gets confusing and make me look a little ODD. I’m trying NOT to babble. I’ve learned those about that, and I’ve noticed those moments when God HEARS those few words in your Spirit and BOY He IS ready to reach out FOR IT. Guys, God is HUNGRY FOR YOU and HE wants YOU. If you are hungry for ‘something’…it’s like the sticker on my car window says, TRY JESUS. I can PROMISE…GOD IS WORTH IT. Now, if I can go to sleep and SEE Jesus in my dreams like I did ALLL those years leading up to now… I don’t see Him as MUCH anymore…it’s RARE and the thing is…NOW I WANT TO…then years ago…I HATED IT. Mind you…I’m not saying whether at ANY time it WAS Jesus HIMSELF. Keep THAT in Mind. *shrug*

I could turn THAT into a whole post of its own, I WON’T and I’m NOT, but know this… it used to really bother me and I’ll tell you about that later in this one. BUT…at one point, I started seeing HIM and when you don’t LIKE Jesus and have a PROBLEM with HIM…you get nervous about going to bed and thinking… ‘What if I see that Jesus guy again tonight?’ I remember being in bed… AFRAID to SHUT MY EYES. I did lay awake for HOURS…looking for anything to do….accept go to sleep and dread what I’d see. HIM and ‘those Jesus dreams’ I’m sure could ‘analyze’ that…and that’s fine…apparently Jesus DID. He’s good at that.

I ended up taking …. A LOT of pills…and not always the legal kind…nor healthy kind…to STAY awake and focus on OTHER things…besides sleep and what I was seeing in those dreams. I didn’t want to SLEEP and during the day, when I was tired…I had to stay awake, so I took things to stay awake. See the problem it caused? Well, thankfully, God has a way of getting to things LIKE that. But that’s just the TWIST of things now….NOW I WANNA SEE JESUS in my DREAMS. I just want Jesus. :P I love the Lord. I want to do FOR God…I want to be OUT THERE FOR HIM…I see a lot of people LIKE ME and …like the man pushing his bike up the road today…and no…he wasn’t doing it for sport. OR the guy with I <3 Jesus on his Truck I talked to in the Gas station. We had a GOOD long chat about how Good God is. Again…sorry for any mistakes on this post, I’ll recheck it, but I want it DONE for this week…and I DO want to go to bed. <.< I want that dream. I KNOW I get the PROMISE…but I still….that’s what happens when you are Chasing after God…you realize the best you can do is love Him and once you realize what HE loves, you GET TO WORK FOR HIM.

I will tell you a little …what I call a ‘funny’ that happened while I was eating at my church…as I am apt to do. Since I have this little poke at the Lord that I’m Chasing after Him…HE gets it…if no one ELSE does…I had went to the Chinese place to get my lunch and apparently HE gave ME a response to THAT in my cookie. Actually, even though they are CUTE…I never paid MUCH attention to those little messages…until a few weeks ago…when I did THIS…

I said my blessing and while I was eating, I, as I am APT to do, kept a usual ‘empty’ seat beside me that I consider for Jesus. It’s NOT weird or religious. WHEN you know the difference between relationship and religion you’ll understand. I actually had someone hint that my chair might be a form of ‘religion’. *sigh* PEOPLE…. I’ll talk about that chair later. :P God GETS IT, apparently. ANYWAY, as I was eating, I picked up that cookie and just put it in His seat to save for Jayda to eat. I said….

“I guess I shouldn’t be giving Jayda ‘Fortune Cookies’ should I? I mean, I’d take one if YOU put the fortune message in it.” I ate my food and when I was finished I got my stuff together and that cookie and got ready to leave. I don’t know WHY…but I opened it. Again…*Shrug* I don’t know WHY I wanted to. I just did…I think part of me figured the Jayda would just throw it down…whatever…BUT…HERE is what the COOKIE SAID…and YOU tell ME who put that message in there… “Smile, Happiness is chasing YOU.” ;) Jesus is AWESOME and YES I do BELIEVE HE DID THAT…I SO DO. I stopped IN my tracks and threw up my hands and said, “Well, for GOD sake, catch me already.” No pun intended, but, well anyway…

SO! I’ve learned a lot through my journey with God and today…I have to admit…at least to ME…He has really SHOWN Himself….and even by my standard…and those who remember my old way of thinking…that old agnostic and yes…atheist way of looking at the World…God went all OUT today. I almost felt like it was a finale for the trip we have been on, but when I actually said it aloud…I could hear Him say…

“Don’t you know me by NOW? This is NOTHING.”

What happened? Well for one thing…I can’t really get all into what I was saying to Jesus while I was finishing up my day at my Church…YES…I was hanging out there yet AGAIN...but…I happened to look over as I laughed…and there was a cute little green butterfly just floating around in the breeze.

I said, “That’s beautiful, Lord.” In my mind I could hear Jesus saying, if you like them so much, ask Him for more. There is still a bit of me that is timid on those things, but…I dared…and IN DEED…out from behind a bush…POOF…flew ANOTHER identical light green butterfly. (No…I do NOT make this stuff up and POST IT ONLINE in YAHWEH or JESUS’ name. Guys…I DO have to LOOK at Him one day…you know.)

I actually, glanced OVER to my LEFT and I felt the corner of my mouth tug up. Those around me and I’m guessing after my Pastor admitted to READING my journal…have noticed I’ve had a thoughtful..to say at best…and I needed that little uplifting tug. And…as I heard told you already, I ‘heard’ Him say, “That’s nothing.”

As I kept walking…I was watching what I had usually consider the patch of weeds to my right hand during my usual walk every day. I walk that track every day and I know there is the river behind there, but unless Jayda is with me, I don’t fool with it or look. This time, I kept watching…I was watching those two butterflies…seemingly PLAYING together. They would wavering around each other. One would dart over the other up and down, into the other, but they always…BOTH of them…stayed RIGHT along with me…US.

I kept smiling and I felt laughter bubbling inside…and I kept watching and I then saw another identical butterfly pop up. It was fluttering around and then it moved into join the two that were still apparently dancing around and I shook my head. “I see You,” I said. Yet, as I said that…my eye caught movement in the brush and I looked and throughout the all the bramble and weeds I caught glimpses of all SORTS of butterflies and even a moth. (I actually stopped to encourage him/her that they were JUST as pretty AS the butterflies.) Jesus actually told me that it was nice to share that with the moth, but it KNEW that! ;)

So, walking on along the track enjoying the growing breeze, which was very appreciated…of course I did thank God for…because it was a little warm and I had not really dressed appropriately for it…I had not really anticipated walking…I hadn’t even anticipated being OUT today accept for my doctors office. (I wish I could explain how Jesus talked me into going to the park walking, but NO ONE would BELIEVE it…that the debate of Go walk…Go home…while driving down the road…ended with me sitting behind a white car with the rear plate that read“LOVEDAVID” ended my arguing with “OKAY! I’ll GO WALK WITH YOU GOD! What can I say to THAT? I HEAR YOU already. He knows I love Him :P What do you say to that? I didn’t say anything, I just drove STRAIGHT to the park…laughing…NO not AT HIM…WITH HIM.

Remind me to tell you what happened to me YEARS…YEARS ago…LONG before I ‘loved’ God…when I LAUGHED AT HIM one too many times. I know when I heard the story of Sarah…I certainly FELT her….I DID. God WILL BUST YOU for it…and Yahweh will be there FAST…..real …FAST. By the way…it’s where my ‘Healthy “Dose” of Fear of God started with and that Atheist issue ENDED. SNAP! YES I’ll tell you…sometime…NOT NOW… I…don’t wanna talk about it now. :) Just kidding…actually it was the moment I began to change and HERE I am. : )

So, as I was saying, I was walking and Jesus was showing me BUTTERFLIES. And…I was starting to laugh about it (Not AT Him this time, but just at the fact that as bad as I had been feeling, I was feeling better and it was BECAUSE of Him.) I thought a lot about how people today take for granted the power of God…especially those of us who get it through Jesus. I don’t know WHY…but I take that seriously…and I love God for that.

I remember, when I first came banging down my FIRST Pastor’s door…and he gave me my first Bible…it was the FIRST one I actually sat down and eagerly read, I was feverishly looking to KNOW more about WHO it was that had stopped me IN MY Tracks that night years ago when I ‘laughed’ and WHO it was that had been obviously showing me other things that these ‘brainiacs’ could NOT explain to me…although they seemed to be trying SO hard. Almost as HARD as I had been trying to run from God. Of course, this is something I have realized all this time later…I was running from Him and HE was asking me to come TO Him.

Actually, I will tell you what happened to me that night. I honestly haven’t told anyone. Frankly, it is because for one…it SCARED ME. Another reason is…now that I have learned more about the Lord…it rather embarrassed me, but I realized another thing and it has been something I’ve been slowly dealing with; it scared me a little TOO much and I’ve been working my OVER fear of God into a healthy fear and LOVE of Him. That was actually the discussion I HAD with Him before this ‘little’ walk I’m telling you about. ;) Apparently, He was pleased with our understanding all these years later. As always HE wins…again….and I learned…as always…when GOD wins…YOU win. That’s just HOW Yahweh IS and I’m still working that out in my heart.

There is a part of me that really wishes people could understand how each individual reaches Jesus…it really IS beautiful and it IS peaceful. I totally understood each butterfly that popped up…even the ones that somehow materialized AT my FEET while I was walking. God always knows how to add special touches just to let you know IT IS HIM that IS doing what you think… “..is HE doing this…FOR ME? Really or am I just being…..no…surly not.”

Oh yes…He did…cause Jesus ASKED HIM TO.

It’s funny though…as I was walking and watching the growing number of butterflies I just sorta listened to my music player and each song that came on…I just smiled bigger because I could hear HIS words in each song. I realize I have gotten to a point where it’s ‘Like That’. At one point…I had started to worry before…thinking…Hmm…maybe this is not such a good thing. Perhaps I’m thinking a little too much about Jesus. Maybe Jesus shouldn’t take up all of my day. Yet…I felt something say…Nikki…did you just HEAR yourself?

That was sometime last summer I was worrying about that. I’ll admit…just recently I saw a movie on David…I’ve been hearing a LOT about King David actually. So, I really wanted to learn. I remembered reading about him on my first trip through the Old Testament, but I didn’t remember that much, but I wanted to know more. I actually found a movie on Netflix and it IS a very good one. (Check it out by the way. I’ll Reference it on the bottom of my Post.)

So, as I watched it, I was right away caught up with the story of how Saul was slapped with that nasty spirit…and I was very MUCH taken with the prophet Samuel. It was nice to see some characters I had been HEARING about. I had even had a dream recently about David and there were characters in the dream that the movie helped me to understand better as well as when I read them in the Bible.

Over all, the one thing I noticed and it backed up something I had already been getting from Jesus…(and this can be up to anyone who wants to debate it. I’m just saying this from MY Spirit. I don’t want to jar anyone. And I’m not saying it was ALL David did.)

I noticed one thing in that movie and afterwards reading his story (And Psalms). And it sums up a lot of the other things He did for Yahweh. Of course, he obeyed HIM…very well….but why? He LOVED GOD. There is something in David’s words that says to me he had a lot of LOVE for God and I remember as I was watching that movie, I was on my bed and…I’ve mentioned this to a few..FEW people…a very little known fact.

Beside my bed, I keep a chair. I had been doing this for a long time actually. One day I mentioned it and I was told it was a Jewish tradition. I blinked and sorta thought that was cool, because it was said they do that for when the Messiah comes. I smiled and I remembered thinking to myself, (And this was before I began really reading about the Jewish people and began to LOVE them and I honestly don’t know why other than I’ll explain THAT in a minute…) …but…I do use it for Him. Technically, I figure Jesus doesn’t NEED that chair. His BODY isn’t HERE…it’s the Holy Spirit.

I occasionally DO run into the Christian that reaaaaaally gets tore up over some of the visuals I do. *shrug* The way I see it…God has turned my heart into a FURNACE for HIM and HIS SON. What’s YOUR problem? He used THOSE VISUAL LIKE THAT. I understand what I’m doing and apparently HE did too. :P

There is a difference in religious and relationship….remember that. ;) IF you can keep that separate…(remember Able and Cain) You and God can have an AMAZING relationship. God and I…found that He blessed me with a very amazing and oddly weird gift that GOD found that for most of my life…I was MISUSING and THAT HE apparently TOOK for HIMSELF. ;) The fact that my heart was turned into a person who was once a fierce hater for the Christian community and Jesus in particular (OH YEAH…didn’t know that about me, did you? I’ll tell you about that in a post one day. NOT NOW… I’m talkin about HOW I love HIM NOW!)

And…that is the point. He will use the gifts HE gave you…that you misuse….for HIM. What some people see as strange or…not so useful….AS ALWAYS…God can do the most AMAZING things. While those people that see what I do at times as … “Hmm.” Or “Eh, I don’t think…” Apparently, HE…liked it. You go from a HATER…to ON FIRE and STILL WANTING MORE chasing JESUS…You have done SOMETHING God likes. :P It’s when you learn MORE about Yahweh that you understand THAT is how HE IS. You don’t LOVE Jesus like that unless GOD brings you TO IT and unless Jesus IS IN YOU. How much of Jesus is IN YOU?

Okay, so back to my night of watching David..and that chair beside my bed. I was laying on my bed watching that movie…it got to that famous part where David slays Goliath. The scene cut to the part where Saul has this LOOK on his face. I made some sort of comment about “Uh oh…but then something made me look to my left…and then Iooked back and Saul and said UH OH.”

But…it was THEN…I looked BACK to that chair and when I tell people, I see Jesus…NO I do not SEEEEEEEEE HIM. OBVIOUSLY to me at this point HE IS UP THERE. And yes, the Holy Spirit can show Him to ME. I know this. I know…someday…I have an appointment. I’ve been promised THAT. I’m excited about it. I also have a very strange feeling…about seeing Jesus too. I don’t know about that…just something strange I cannot explain to anyone. Wishful thinking MAYBE. MAYBE NOT.

Some part of me thinks all this imaging Jesus…I’m always imagining Him with me…that ONE day…I’m gonna turn to ‘imagine’ He’s there…and you NEVER know… I don’t know WHY I get that feeling. : ) Yeah. Of COURSE…I’d LOVE for HIM to do that. WHO WOULDN’T? I’ve HEARD of it. I have a friend who told me it happened TO HIM. :P I’m still talking to Jesus about IT. He KNOWS I want it…it’s sort of a little bit I throw at Him.

“You KNOW I looking to see if you are THERE.”

“I know.” : ) (and a lot of times I almost feel like there is a ‘ ;) ‘ ) and THAT is what gives me tingles.

There are a lot of lessons when you study the Word and PAY ATTENTION closely to the Lord. It may have been at one point, I did not believe in ANYTHING…much less Jesus Christ or His Father….and I may have even LAUGHED at it. I know I still haven’t gotten totally INTO that story…as I said…it IS hard to talk about. Not because I keep trailing OFF on other subjects and other things…sometimes…I learned…in order to understand the first thing…you have to go to another. It’s something Jesus taught me. ;) It works well with people LIKE ME. May not for EVERYONE, but those like ‘me’ it works WONDERS.

Well, fine. Here it is…and I’ll tell you about that ‘loving God’. You get what I was gonna maybe say about David. DAVID LOVED GOD. GOD LOVED DAVID. I noticed THAT. Maybe Jesus was beside me ‘elbowing’ me…maybe…as I’ve noticed MYSELF and I’ll talk about in another post…once I got ‘past’ my issues with God…I couldn’t get ENOUGH of God and I was chasing Him all through the Bible. And what I noticed is…God is ALL OVER THAT. What’s more…if you add to that you get even MORE excited about JESUS…well…I cannot explain it…I’ve listened to it in His Word…but I’m feeling SOMETHING. I just cannot explain IT. I am TRYING very HARD to TELL as MANY as I CAN about IT. ;)

So, here is what happened, and sorry, but I am going to have to (and I’ll try to do it quickly) explain a bit of HOW I was before I loved Jesus. Yes…I said before I hated Jesus…but I don’t think I stated it very clearly. I remember when I was going to my previous church when the pastor was going over the story of Paul.

YEAH. That sorta HATE. And as he started the story out talking about a guy name Saul and how he was out ‘hunting’ down the Christians trying to STOP them…ect…I sorta began to squirm in my seat. I EVEN shifted my eyes up and said, “So…what are you saying?” Matter of fact…I was talking to HIM about JUST that incident last night. I will give you what I GOT later. ;) It was SO Jesus. That wasn’t what I got then though…why? I wasn’t HEARING Jesus at that point very well.

AND…there’s times I catch THAT. I have to be VERY careful…sometimes things can sound an AWEFUL lot like God. I’m slowly learning to STOP and let the Word carefully let Jesus work over what I hear and say before I say anything and take it too much to heart and let it get to the Spirit. Especially as I told Him today before my walk at the park… “If I’m going to tell people ABOUT you…I wanna make sure I tell them GOOD things…and that it IS FROM YOU. I DO have to LOOK at you some day, you know.

I’m talking about JESUS. Yes, I mean JESUS. I don’t want to get up there and run up to give Him a GREAT BIG HUG and Jesus say… “What? WHO?”

Of course…that’s when the Holy Spirit reinforces what I know…and THAT is what is called Spiritual Warfare…and there are a lot of PEOPLE who don’t like to even admit it happens. I am not discussing it HERE, but thank GOD…Jesus DOES Love Me ;)

So, yes, I sat there squirming and as that Pastor went through Paul’s story, I recalled my ‘incident’ that had happened to me some time ago…it seems a long time ago…and I can honestly NOT remember what year it was…it was after my father died and April of 2011…because I was IN that Church of May of 2011.

Yeah. Jesus can DO that. When you hear, The Holy Spirit will ‘open the eyes of the blind’ … let me tell you… HE WILL do it in a matter of a SECOND…do NOT DOUBT IT…for a SECOND. And here is why…. (It is also why when people ask me about being ‘at church’ on Sunday and Wednesday…I AM SO THERE. ;P Church is more than two days a week…and I have come to appreciate those who also see it that way…but as for being there…YES. I’m THERE.

Alright. *breathe* I was in my mother’s kitchen fixing my evening supper, my daughter was already in bed. I always wait until she has gone to sleep to fix my own supper…since she NEVER likes what I eat… and it is hard for ME to eat at the same time. So, I while I was doing all my little mindless food prep, cleaning, wiping down, you know all that little stuff…I would also walk into the living room, doing little cleaning…and past the TV and my mother, going into the laundry room to help do some washing. I was staying busy…being as I sometimes call, mindless…yet in my imagination and BUSY AT IT. Hard to explain to some people, but as a writer and creator…to some people…(and I’ve sometimes felt the Lord poke at me about my imagination) they get what I’m talking about.

As I was doing all this buzzing around, I was very much in My World, but I could hear the TV. They were talking about GOD. It was a subject I didn’t’ care about…but one of ‘those subjects’ that always brought an IRE out of me. Why, I would always mutter to my head, does IT BOTHER me…if I don’t CARE?

The thing about this story is…I cannot tell you WHAT the topic was ABOUT. Why? OH, I remember WHAT GOD DID. I’m too ashamed to say right now that I was too busy blasting Jesus to hear most of it. I was too busy in my head running my mouth about how stupid they sounded and rolling my eyes…you GET the picture. I go about cooking my food, putting stuff together on the table watching the TV as I did so…and really not being VERY nice to ANYONE on THAT program OR HIM.

For the mid to late part of my twenties…I had lost a lot of my feelings towards God. I grew up with Jesus…as child I KNEW and LOVED Jesus…I LOVED GOD. I held on to Him for a long time…and at some point…all the Science I began to feed myself with from the time I was a hungry, intellectual teenager had set in around my early TWENTIES. I still remember hearing my Pastor that day talking about Paul…

A bomb had been set and then he actually made the ‘ticking’ sound and I sat back there really squirming and thinking about this scene in MY head. SAUL got knocked flat on his back and blinded for three days…I may not have literally got knocked ‘down’, but…sometimes…I wonder about what the impact of what it has done to me WILL be. I suppose it all depends on the person, right?

SO! I guess to my friends, SOME of you know I have, and I do like to say HAD a pretty BAD temper when I don’t like things and GOD has done amazing things with my attitude…and my sarcasm. I actually heard Him say, “Sarcasm is not attractive, you know, but LOVE is BEAUTIFUL.”

Yeah, so TRUE….to those who get it :D

Anyway,

My mother apparently caught what I said…because she came into the kitchen and gave me a look that came out of some horror movie. I cannot sum UP repeat it, but it summed up all of what she had been saying to me for the past few YEARS. “I hope that’s not how you THINK of Jesus! I hope no daughter of MINE says that about Jesus…NIKKI! Oh…God….” And she threw me some backwards looks heading for her recliner.

I defended MY right to feel HOWEVER I wanted and that if she was my mother she would love me for ME. She wasn’t buying THAT. I got even MORE angry when she…as I used to call it then…threw that ‘Hell Trump Card at me.’ It was at that I tossed my food into the oven to cook, stalked over, folded my arms and I do remember GLOWERING at the TV…listening. For some reason…I was really ANGRY at the woman talking and there was even a tiny part of ME that felt bad for being mad at THAT WOMAN.

Yet…I do distinctly remember in my head going over this, I was able to over LOOK my wanting to loving to that lady and able to like her because I was so SICK of her talking about God…and JESUS. That was the part that was really getting to ME. (And for those who understand that Spiritual Warfare…ya’ll will maybe understand that like I have finally come to understand it and find peace. IF you understood it, it would probably sum up a lot of my story.)

The lady finally went to talking about how God’s miraculous healing in her life. It had to do with a family member, and I am sorry that I cannot give you the details…I was too busy focused on being ANGRY at her to LISTEN to the story. Sometimes, I think that is why people cannot HEAR when someone is TRYING to tell them HOW GOOD GOD is…they are too busy feeling or thinking something ELSE. It’s also why I understand only the Holy Spirit can open the eyes, BUT it doesn’t mean we cannot TESTFY, healing, and working IN His Name. It IS our Business guys because God made it our business THROUGH His Son.

ANYWAY,

As SOOON as my food was done…I was ready. I was Soooo over that woman. I had listened…because my draw to her had burned out….and I couldn’t get away fast enough. I jerked my food together ran it INTO my room. It was so hot, I figured I’d take a quick shower and give it time to cool. And this may sound like a made up story at this point, but it’s not. (there’s many things I could tell people and I tend to exaggerate to SOME people and at times I have, HEY I’m a STORY TELLER, BUT…this isn’t a time.)

I flipped on MY TV…and I had actually forgotten I had it ON the same channel as my mom’s TV…so there it was. It had moved on to a new lady, but they were talking about the same thing… *Sigh* Or so I felt. I got my stuff together. My bathroom is right next to my room, literally connected and all I have to do is turn the corner.

And THAT is how fast God can BE there. So, that’s why I have a lot of FAITH IN HIM. I KNOW HOW FAST GO ANSWERS. Breathe. THERE. That’s IT. ;) Faster actually, but That’ show fast IT was. I had my clothes ready and the sound of my TV was going I was going to walked into the hallway like I did a million times, set my thinks down on a little table and listened to another person talk about what ‘Jesus had done for her….how God did THIS for her life.’

I was getting a towel and (I remember this guys, I have an good memory…and apparently things like this you don’t forget…) I rolled my eyes before I said, “Pht, yeah RIGHT. Why would a God do something LIKE THAT? I did one of those laughs you here a bratty teenager do and I spun around do turn that corner to my bathroom…and THEN

BAM.

I actually heard about a person who came up against an angel and couldn’t get past it. I remember as I heard that….my heart was like ‘thud thud’. I didn’t SAY anything…but I was thinking about this moment. It is hard to explain. There wasn’t anything THERE and I didn’t HIT anything physical, but I STOPPED, FROZE SOLID…and I heard a VERY LOUD SOMETHING. Not a voice, not a whisper, not really a thought…I don’t know WHAT YOU can CALL IT.

“Did you laugh me?”

Yes…that’s what I heard and I blinked and did one of these…very…VERY nervously >…..>

<…….<;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

The THING WAS....IT what EVER it was…didn’t SOUND angry…threatening…mean…or DID YOU LAUGH AT ME…IMA GET YOU! It was actually more of inquisitive…if anything….but the ….AREA around me….if that could make sense to anyone…felt like… well let me explain…

I actually heard my Pastor last Sunday say SOMETHING like it and I sorta again perked up…accept His sounded NICE… I feel God in away now…but the only time I EVER felt Him like a THUDNERSTORM was on its way or like…. ‘there’s lightning IN the air’ was IN that MOMENT’ But… I GOT what HE meant and it sparked this memory vividly. Yet…that was what I felt…but what I heard was very…again..DISTINCT, inquisitive, but it certainly, STOPPED ME.

I stood there…in the door frame…really wanting to GET past IT and INTO my shower, but I couldn’t. That I wish I could explain. I actually, looked for a ‘way’ around what I thought might be in front of me. I do remember thinking there was SOMETHING there…I had to get past it…but HOW? At that point…I still was not a believer. I would almost say it was a strange reaction and as a matter of FACT Jesus got to the bottom of it TODAY (which is why you got THIS post….ALL this time LATER.)

At that time, I couldn’t give an answer. But It asked again. Of course I know what IT was…but as for what I was hearing, I can’t say… I wish I could explain. I have ‘heard’ some strange things and some of you know this, but THIS…wasn’t anything, but it WAS something. It asked, “What is so funny to you? Why are you laughing?”

I had that feeling that people get when you KNOW you have done something you KNOW you shouldn’t have done. Ya’ll KNOW what I mean. I know it all TOO well NOW. Some call it your Conscience….I call it JESUS.) I wasn’t able to answer again…yet…I WAS able to move INTO the bathroom…and I was THANKFUL for that.

I went in and sat down on my toilet seat…very fearful and I DO REMEMBER hearing “Oh man…what just happened here?” I got a VERY quick response to it. It replied, “You shouldn’t laugh just because you do not BELIEVE in it.”

I sat there and listened to my…heart…spirit…whatever IT was that was talking…and…just…well…SAT. I finally thought to myself…how am I supposed to have FAITH if I cannot BELIEVE in IT? And it was a hard thing for ME to do. I remember actually starting out having to MAKE Believe….and that’s where that chair started at. ;) Jesus STILL uses it by the way and I think He’s quite happy with it.

God WILL use WHATEVER it TAKES to GET THROUGH TO YOU…and IF it takes ‘make believing’ for you to BELIEVE and for HIM to SHOW HIMSELF to you…then HE WILL. That IS how much HE WANTS YOU. And…by the way…HE WANTS YOU. I’ve figured THAT OUT. He showed me the night before today in Hebrews.

My problem…after he told me that day my MAIN issue and worked it through today…was accepting that no matter WHAT I had done…and how HATEFUL I had been TO HIM…that HE HAS forgiven all of that…and that the only one hurting IS ME and that God takes NO pleasure in MY Pain…especially if it’s caused BECAUSE of MY Passionate LOVE FOR HIM.

Strange Huh? I actually had to take my hate which got turned into such a LOVE for God that was turned into SUCH A pain that kept me FROM Him…that turned into SUCH A FEAR…that it KEPT me from accepting …one what Jesus DID for me…and it kept me from going after what it is I really want out of this WHOLE thing…

JESUS.

And like I told him today while I ate my breakfast…all of that promise is super sweet…but if God will just let me follow Jesus around like a puppy and listen to Him talk….I’ll be TICKLED PINK.

And…then...he talked ME into going the park for OUR walk with the butterflies and that amazing breeze that kept whipping me around…amazingly…the more I said PRAISE you Lord…and especially I LOVE YOU….

God likes it when you tell Jesus you Love Him. (In case you haven’t Caught THAT. He also wants YOU to know HE LOVES YOU and make the two GET TOGETHER. :P)

Am I willing to talk about what Jesus found out about me? MAYBE someday. It actually shocked me. It started with my dad…and then my hating Him…and Spiritual Warfare…and children…and then how God see’s us as Children…and How God forgives us…and that sometimes we HAVE to forgive ourselves too and LET HIM LOVE YOU.

I do remember feeling Him say to me one time…and I cannot explain this…

I remember at one point having a really hard battle…and I called on Him. I heard, “I WANT to help you, but when I come close, you tell me to go away. Every time. LET ME HELP YOU!”

The EXTRA to this post is WHAT HE gave me the day before YESTERDAY that led to today. I went to my church the day before as always to ‘hang’ out with Him…and I do like to point out the fact…and there are those I have realized who DO understand this:

You do NOT HAVE to go to a CHURCH to be WITH GOD. Me? I just LIKE TO. I cannot HELP IT…half the time…I end up BY there any how and just go...and I’m excited to walk into the door to GREET Him.

Thursday when I went in to do some cleaning, I first went to eat my breakfast…and I was not having a good day. I always bless my food and I felt SO bad, I asked The Lord to give me a Word to Help. Usually, something WILL come to mind pretty quickly…but this time, my eyes just fixed on my Book and I picked it up.

The first thing I went to…and I actually am battling WITH doing it this way… ‘just flipping’ to what it turns to. Since I am a former practicing witch…part of me feels like it’s leaving it to chance…and yet…since God IS A Spirit…I know VERY Well HE can turn it too. Part of what Jesus has been teaching me is things are a lot about the choices YOU make. I have a choice and I choice JESUS. So, ANYWAY…

It was Psalm 107:30… and this actually had a big BIG kick for ME today…and it’s how God is FILLED with little surprises. I didn’t even catch it until I was READING it again. I noticed it LAST night…but I didn’t notice the final ‘Easter Egg’ until TODAY. As it dawned on me what God was doing and HAD done…I actually STOPPED reading and …had ‘a moment’ …but QUICKLY out of respect for READING His Word…laughed…RESPECTFULLY in AWE and kept READING with a Smile.

Yeah…I’m sure HE was smiling too.

I’ll post the first part and then I’ll give you the whole verse and explain some more. There was a few things God did with this Psalm…and He actually brought in a whole NOTHER one with it. He’s cool that way.

Psalm 107:30

30 Then they are glad because they are quiet;
So He guides them to their desired haven.

I sighed and said, Yeah, thank you LORD. I’m glad to be here too…let’s EAT. As I ate…I finished reading down through the rest of it and…started chewing more slowly and got to the point where I couldn’t at first swallow the food and then just plain put it DOWN.

To be honest, I cannot right now go INTO the conversation I had WITH HIM about it, but, well it got me to where I’m at for now…yet…later that night…I decided to go to Biblegateway.com to read the WHOLE thing. Usually I DO read it in my Bible…but since I was online…I wanted to see what their…Word for the day was. He used THAT for me that day to. I realized Jesus was ‘picking on me’ that day.

By the way, when JESUS picks on you, PRAISE GOD. ;)

First, I want to give you the WHOLE Psalm 107. Then, I will give you the ‘freebie’. I have read it before, but it was nice to be get it as a ‘drive by Psalming’ when I really NEEDED it and considering how I always call myself crazy half the time…God apparently had a the Last Word on the topic.

As for why it really made me go WOW….

Some of my friends KNOW I go walking at my park every day and that I try to share my love of God with the people there. I leave little cards from my church, handwritten messages, newsletters…ANYTHING. I talk to people from the local churches and really…just about ANYONE who will LISTEN and even those I feel are not ‘in the mood’ to hear it. And I’ve joked that me…and my daughter LOVES doing it…that I love writing Jesus <3 U in the Sand of the walking track.

I also love what I call blessing the court. It was a thing I wanted to do because I remember my ‘stint’ on Superior Court. They ‘claimed’ the ‘neighborhoods around cub creek park’ were the WORST for Drug Dealing and “THAT COURT” was a hangout for dealers. Of course, that was in 2003…but I remembered it.

I started out walking the length of the first section, it was walled off into three sections. The park apparently at some point last year or whenever decided to improve it, but I know God is responsible for THIS… When I would around the fence…I would get to the ‘door’ of the opposite wall which was broken. I made a special prayer that God would make it so that people who NEEDED Jesus could get to Him and He could FIX that door. I myself would try to re Hinge it.

I went in one day and do you know….that entire wall was REMOVED? GONE. Every day when I go into bless the court…I look at where that wall was and I say… God did that. I don’t what anyone says…God took THAT wall DOWN. ;) Jesus took MY walls down and HE can TAKE YOURS DOWN. He can also COME THROUGH THEM.

But, I remembered, I had left a special note that day with a Psalm I had picked out…YEAH…you can see where it’s going, but it goes BEYOUND that. I left it on a bridge that you can cross to get to the highway and move on to the bigger, older park. I even made a point of putting a few rocks on its edges so people could see it before it blew away.

THAT note stayed for a MONTH…and I would walk and see people…stop…read it…and LAUGH. What did I put?

It was something I got from watching a movie with….MADEA. It was a quote she gave Shirley out of Madea’s Big Happy Family. “Are you redeemed by the Lord?” If you haven’t SEEN that movie…I highly recommend it. I watched that movie over the summer during some ROUGH times because LAUGHTER was my ONLY MEDICINE and I LAUGHED SO HARD AT THAT MOVIE.

You can actually ask Shannon (Tell em girl) that we watched it at HER house on HER Wii… we all laughed SO HARD at one point…her Wii FROZE…. ‘mysteriously’ if you wanna call it that. We all looked at each other sorta funny. I still say it was Jesus. He knows when LAUGHTER IS GOOD and when it is NOT. ;)

So, the thing IS…I remembered trying to read it at my local Clinic when I found it…because I wanted to read the WHOLE Psalm. What got me about the Psalm was not the part that Madea said but it was this portion of it and because of the Spiritual Warfare I have personally had to endure, it SPOKE VOLUMES. It said:

Psalm 42-43

42 The righteous see it and rejoice, And all iniquity stops its mouth.

43 Whoever is wise will observe these things, And they will understand the loving kindness of the LORD.

Of course, I have an NIV version…and in MINE it says…

And the wicked will shut their mouth.

Of course, as I read it today….I understood God was making a poke at me to remember THIS and I DID…and as I was finished with I certainly DID understand the loving kindness of the LORD…and while I have believed IN GOD…I believed IN His Loving KINDNESS for ME.

The rest of my story and it hit me while we were walking also hit pretty hard and let me realize that Jesus is good at letting you know when things are done. One thing that I have mentioned is the fact I deal with a lot of ‘battling’ and I’m not going to get ‘into’ any of that here OR my journal. I’m just NOT…mainly cause Jesus said NOT TO. :P

BUT…as we walked…and I ‘glanced’ at that bridge where I had left THAT note with THAT Psalm 107…I stopped and looked at that ‘little’ park and I realized something very suddenly and it was stark and again…I understood it was not an accident.

For three years, between 2001 to 2003 I took my lunch there…EVERY day…and for three years…during my brief …and I don’t call it ‘strange and oddly’ blindly out of now where fascination with studying ‘angel’s came at that time.

For SOME REASON in 2001 I got the sudden IDEA to start studying THEM and all the religions I could get my hands on, but mainly THEM and ‘how’ to ‘talk’ to them. I stood there today…staring over at that little park and I just …well..STOOD quietly. I remembered I how I went EVERY DAY with all my books which I spent a LOT of money on, the money I worked SO hard for…and I read…with a LOT of enthusiasm….all because I had a lot of “questions” and I had found a site online. It was a woman who claimed she ‘channeled an ‘archangel’. I wanted to too. I didn’t actually ‘believe’ HER…but I wondered IF it was possible…and IF it was…I was gonna FIND OUT. IF it wasn’t I was gonna find out and BUST HER as a fraud for taking peoples’ money in the name of this ‘God’. I was again…SICK of people getting ‘had’.

Long story short…I got into a LOT of trouble…and you CAN do things you shouldn’t if you poke around too much. But the happy ending to a long story is JESUS is right beside you like he was on the bigger track today with ME. And just as quickly as I stopped to REFLECT on how I used to do that…I took a breath and kept walking with Jesus. I know that sounds sorta dramatic…but that’s really what it was.

Honestly, that’s when I saw that butterfly fluttering at my feet…and I’m NOT kidding. Think God can’t be AWESOME. He IS and HE IS FOR YOU. BE FOR HIM and EVERYDAY can be SWEET. :P He promises IT.

Here is Psalm 107, the WHOLE thing...aaand that little Word for the day I found as a the freebie. You'll see why I smiled when ...I...smiled when I took a quick glimpse as I was headed to 'Grab my Psalm 107'. ;) Psalm 107

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Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good!
For His mercy endures forever.
2 Let the redeemed of the Lord say so,
Whom He has redeemed from the hand of the enemy,
3 And gathered out of the lands,
From the east and from the west,
From the north and from the south.

4 They wandered in the wilderness in a desolate way;
They found no city to dwell in.
5 Hungry and thirsty,
Their soul fainted in them.
6 Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble,
And He delivered them out of their distresses.
7 And He led them forth by the right way,
That they might go to a city for a dwelling place.
8 Oh, that men would give thanks to the Lord for His goodness,
And for His wonderful works to the children of men!
9 For He satisfies the longing soul,
And fills the hungry soul with goodness.

10 Those who sat in darkness and in the shadow of death,
Bound in affliction and irons—
11 Because they rebelled against the words of God,
And despised the counsel of the Most High,
12 Therefore He brought down their heart with labor;
They fell down, and there was none to help.
13 Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble,
And He saved them out of their distresses.
14 He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death,
And broke their chains in pieces.
15 Oh, that men would give thanks to the Lord for His goodness,
And for His wonderful works to the children of men!
16 For He has broken the gates of bronze,
And cut the bars of iron in two.

17 Fools, because of their transgression,
And because of their iniquities, were afflicted.
18 Their soul abhorred all manner of food,
And they drew near to the gates of death.
19 Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble,
And He saved them out of their distresses.
20 He sent His word and healed them,
And delivered them from their destructions.
21 Oh, that men would give thanks to the Lord for His goodness,
And for His wonderful works to the children of men!
22 Let them sacrifice the sacrifices of thanksgiving,
And declare His works with rejoicing.

23 Those who go down to the sea in ships,
Who do business on great waters,
24 They see the works of the Lord,
And His wonders in the deep.
25 For He commands and raises the stormy wind,
Which lifts up the waves of the sea.
26 They mount up to the heavens,
They go down again to the depths;
Their soul melts because of trouble.
27 They reel to and fro, and stagger like a drunken man,
And are at their wits’ end.
28 Then they cry out to the Lord in their trouble,
And He brings them out of their distresses.
29 He calms the storm,
So that its waves are still.
30 Then they are glad because they are quiet;
So He guides them to their desired haven.
31 Oh, that men would give thanks to the Lord for His goodness,
And for His wonderful works to the children of men!
32 Let them exalt Him also in the assembly of the people,
And praise Him in the company of the elders.

33 He turns rivers into a wilderness,
And the watersprings into dry ground;
34 A fruitful land into barrenness,
For the wickedness of those who dwell in it.
35 He turns a wilderness into pools of water,
And dry land into watersprings.
36 There He makes the hungry dwell,
That they may establish a city for a dwelling place,
37 And sow fields and plant vineyards,
That they may yield a fruitful harvest.
38 He also blesses them, and they multiply greatly;
And He does not let their cattle decrease.

39 When they are diminished and brought low
Through oppression, affliction, and sorrow,
40 He pours contempt on princes,
And causes them to wander in the wilderness where there is no way;
41 Yet He sets the poor on high, far from affliction,
And makes their families like a flock.
42 The righteous see it and rejoice,
And all iniquity stops its mouth.

43 Whoever is wise will observe these things,
And they will understand the lovingkindness of the Lord.

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“If I say, “My foot slips,” Your mercy, O LORD, will hold me up. In the multitude of my anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul.” Psalm 94:18-19 NKJV

Have I told YOU how AWESOME JESUS IS? :P SEE, UNDERSTAND, and REJOICE THAT. :P God IS AWESOME! (And He has HIS EYE ON YOU.) <3

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God Loves ALL His Children

I am working on the new post…I swear….wait…Sorry LORD! I cannot swear, nor can I promise! HE says so! Let our Yes be Yes, and No, NO! (Matthew 5:37)

Yeeet, I do have a few things I really was thinking about today and some issues that stuck out. I noticed today as I was responding to a post on Facebook there were certain things that popped up. I actually copied it to my Word Software ….because I have to check my spelling guys…you know. I like being neat…and organizing my work…and according to my therapist that throws out many of the possibilities of the diagnosis of Insanity that MANY try to pin on me! (Thank YOU very MUCH! I actually visited a few of them over the last ten years…and NOT ANY of them found any of that wrong with me. Wow…that’s another subject Jesus JUST threw at me. He says, careful NIKKI!)

Yeah, Guys, I am not making any joke, here. I know mental health IS serious, really. What I DID deal with was depression…and according to all those doctors…all FOUR of them…I had it pretty severely. When you deal with what the World throws at you…God IS the only one who truly understands, Jesus IS the only one who has the Answer. You understand that ‘trust’ some of those docs try to talk to you about and those tools they teach you, well if you can use those to reach out to God….

You CAN be healed. Trust IS a key. Trusting IN God IS a topic for another post! I promised something to MY LORD until I got his main Word for the site up, so I will do so! Oh no…. I hear it. OH NO…we ARE NOT GOING THERE! Are we Lord? *CRINGE*

*sigh* Yeah…Apparently So. T….T (I do apologize for my little emoticons. I express my face and when you SPEAK to people I think how you express yourself IS important. It isn’t me TRYING to implement any ‘net speech’ THAT is of course another topic too. Don’t get me wrong…I’m not supporting ripping up the American Speech…or Changing God to fit Us….NEVER. We NEED to FIT God. HE never changes. We need to mold and remain with Him and find a way to make our new and um… ‘evolving’ CULTURE (not people…sheesh) to fit HIM. Again, topic is for another time…I can get really fired up on THAT. I used some of it, but it hasn’t taken me OVER. Like the WORLD tries to. ;P

As I was trying to say, I was feeling for what out of those messages on FB and the topics I wanted to share when a STRONG memory and ‘something’ hit me. I …yes…I typed…literally cringed. I agreed with the Lord that if I was going to be willing to work for Him and do His will, I would be WILLING to do WHAT He told me to WHEN He said, and AS He said. I remember, back a few months ago…I asked when sitting on my front porch about Healing.

I believe in The Power Of Healing. YES I capped IT. BELIEVE IT. Like my Pastor and the family at my church believe, yes I mention them a lot, they are very influential…why? These people are people I found who believe WHAT I always felt…and GAVE me the ANSWER to what I KNEW but didn’t understand.

I was asking the Lord if He would PLEASE send the Holy Spirit so that I could get OUT there and start Healing! I see people every SINGLE day, everywhere that need it and there is NOWHERE and NOONE I am NOT willing to heal in HIS name. I kept thinking…why is HE not willing to send the Spirit? What’s WRONG with ME?

It was then that I had started feeling His voice. “Nothing is ‘ Wrong with you. It just is not your Time . Yet, you will do something a little more than heal the flesh.”

And I’ll be honest, it was at THAT point, part of my problem and reason I had yet to receive the Holy Spirit, reared its Ugly Head AND I perked up. “REALLY?” I thought? MORE? Of course, there was more than just my pride that needed to be worked out before God was going to send me out to heal in His name and for HIS Glory, but, there was and IS more work to be done. I’ve understood a lot about how God grants His Holy Spirit. It’s more than just by Grace…YES…it IS free…but it’s to those Who LOVE Him. Do you know what it means to LOVE the Lord? : ) I have a passionate Heart for Him….I DO! But…I remember, when Jesus talked to me about loving Him….

John 14:15 “If you love me, you will obey what I command.”

And that is harder for some than others, yeah I have been and CAN be one of those people yet. That’s why He is still working WITH me. I figured THAT part out so far lately from HEARING Him.

I’ll give you a good example later, but first, what the Holy Spirit DID say was that sometimes, He needs people to help heal the wounds that do not heal as easily as the ones of the Flesh do. At first…I didn’t really get that. Of course I didn’t. It took a while…and the last week…late at night…actually as I am going to BED I noticed it. It seems then that He really gets to business.

And, yes, I know, He ‘searches’ the heart as we sleep, I have read that too…but it seems and I know for a fact…that the last week alone…obviously…you see this diary as a testament…that the Holy Spirit is kicking it up a notch. Why? I admit, I wasn’t really SURE about letting Him..and YES I said LETTING GOD use it for my diary, BUT…I DID agree..so, I’ll do so. *sigh and wiggles*

And actually, just as HE has done the last three nights, there comes that..Spirit. I feel it. Why feel that way? Don’t you realize EVERYONE has these feelings and why would it not help them to share it? Most are afraid to talk about some of their fears and you can help them by doing so. What is so bad that you won’t talk about?

Actually, settle down, nothing juicy. Sorry to disappoint ANYONE. It isn’t THAT sort of ‘deep’ talk. I don’t GOSSIP about myself. I’m just saying….I have felt Jesus…hitting my SPIRIT and SOUL the last few nights…really kicking those ‘demons’ OUT. I didn’t realize that would be so hard and painful…but the peace that came so quickly was …well…blessed and I have to say…it has each morning strengthened my passion and desire to dedicate MY time and Spirit TO working FOR Him.

I suppose the biggest Issue was how much I struggle with keeping my daughter and her hyper…or so I tend to see it as such, activity under control. It always drives me NUTS when I take her places and she so obviously does not MIND me…yet at school…places where I am NOT…she is…as her teachers and chaperones tell me… “The BEST behaved little girl EVER!” I kid you not, she was awarded, Best Manners in Kindergarten. Wanna see the certificate? I’m very proud of her. YES.

Her teacher tried to reassure me and tell me that, “It’s obvious you are teaching her these things because they show up IN class. She has the BEST manners of any one IN class, Nikki. Don’t WORRY.” So, that made me feel WORSE. So it’s ME? *sigh* Then came that feeling…well..she IS only SIX…yet…shouldn’t she STILL start learning how to do certain things…I mean…I remember MY grandmother and parents… it was SO frustrating. Then to top it all off…Jayda will always do exactly what a very intelligent kid, with lots of energy (which IS what she is) will do when her mother is stressing and worried about things and not paying HER attention, and YES, I get angry. I have a natural temper that flies off. I always feel bad. My father was like that, but I adored my father, OBVIOUSLY…and Jayda…who always grabs me around the waist and sighs “You’re the BEST Mom EVER! I have THE BEST MOM.”

Oh yeah LORD! RUB IT IN! That’s what I say to myself. I know I’m being a bit whiney, but I realized a lot of things. One thing is…as I listed…she IS naturally energetic because she IS SIX AND super smart! (ask her teachers!! Not just a bragging mom here.) Also, as I said, and noticed, she loves her mom a lot and loves spending time with me…and I tend to be a loner and like being on my own and I stay SUPER busy. So mix all that up? You get a kid that will…ACT OUT. She isn’t misbehaving because I’m NOT teaching her how to behave…cause GOD KNOWS I AM….(Yes, you parents know that feeling in public…EVERYONE will think I let her DO what EVER she wants…and YOU know YOU DON’T!)

So, yes, God convicts that heart and I cringe and sigh. MAKE time, He says while I was sitting in the carline. I didn’t answer that prayer you made FOR her so you could scrunch time for you AND then HER. She IS mine, you get to borrow her. I expect her back. Well, later on that night I was lying in bed after I had a FULL night of tending to Jayda…because as you can imagine…it’s not JUST the words from the Lord…it is the feelings that come FROM His Touch that I also felt. HE MEANS IT and EXPECTS it. I am slowly…more seriously understanding that Fear of the Lord saying, but I also love Him more. I realized MORE…I got it before, but I realized it again…she won’t be little and hugging ALL over me for long.

But, as after I got her to bed, I was BEAT…dog tired…I had helped my mother with some things, done clothes…finally made it the shower…and forgot about my sandwich. I tried to eat, made my post..went to bed at 1am…SLEPT at 3AM. But…as I flung myself to the bed, I tried to shove back that…I AM TIRED…darn it…I wish I coulda just came in here a bit and rested…and so much for that sandwich I made. It’s crusted up.

I muttered…out loud “I’m glad though, I can take care of Jayda, Thank You Lord. I’m sorry to be so ungrateful for her…I just miss having my Dad. I remember how it was when someone took care of me. I’m tired too. Eh…” I noticed some bad things coming up and I looked over at that beautiful picture of Jesus on my Desktop and ….Buried my face in my blanket.

Nope, couldn’t LOOK at HIM. T…T I was TOO ashamed. I actually felt like crying and did. I felt SO bad and guilty…and all of a sudden …yes…a ‘still, small voice said’ Look at that picture. Don’t cry! Look AT HIM.

I’ll admit it actually WAS A FIGHT to bring myself to lift my head to do it. I’ll say, that’s why I didn’t want to share it. <..< I did fight and even realized my hands were clinching the sheets tight enough for my knuckles to hurt. Why I thought can I not look at HIS PICTURE? It’s just a picture of Jesus on a DESKTOP COMPUTER?

“Is it?” That voice said? “Look at Him, Do it. Don’t Cry.” I finally managed to at LEAST shift my eyes up to peek for a good few seconds at the Eyes of the Jesus in the Photo. (FYI It’s the Jesus I use for my Icon for this Site. It’s a lovely PHOTO and apparently…like any GOOD Jesus Picture…It WILL do it’s JOB!)

“Good.” It said. “I remember when you were little too. I have my little ones I look after too. I put each of them to bed when its their time. It isn’t always easy, but there’s one nasty demon down and out. I want you to know I DO love you just as much and value you too. You’re MINE too.” And YEP…the tears poured. “Don’t cry.” It said. “Rest.”

Something that sorta hit me out of the blue and I just thought of it while I was sharing that…I was showing Jayda pictures today of me and her. She found one of ME when I was little. I was around 3 MAYBE 2 in it and had a cute little blue dress and was holding a rose. I have to admit…it is cute. I looked SO innocent. We compared our photos to see if she favored me. To my shock she wanted to favor me.

As I was taking my old photo back in, which was a wallet size, I turned it around and saw the name scribbled on it and realized…it was the one I had got from my Aunt Bernice. She told me, “That’s the one your Dad carried in his wallet. He carried everywhere he went.” She gave it to me on my birthday of this year. I remember THEN thinking…WOW. Even at 61…he kept THAT photo. I sort of laughed and smiled. “Is that how you saw me Daddy?” I said…and YES…that’s what I SAID! I know it sounds sappy, but I SAY THOSE things when no one IS around.

Really quickly that little small voice answered my Spirit…and I learned…The Holy Spirit can answer REALLY fast those questions you put out there… “Yes, and just like Jayda was your little baby and you gave her to ME…your daddy had His little baby and he gave YOU to ME. He made sure you were taken care of and very loved and you knew it. Do the same for Jayda and I’ll do for you what I did for Him.”

Have I ever told you HOW AWESOME my dad is? :D

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Yep THAT'S MY DAD. Wish you coulda MET HIM. He's hanging out with Jesus and OUR Father NOW. :D I'll tell you more about how COOL He was later :P